


Green Tea

by jenstraflintlocked



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Alternate Universe, Chef AU, F/F, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:34:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23188585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenstraflintlocked/pseuds/jenstraflintlocked
Summary: Jenny is a pizza chef, Vastra is a concierge at a posh hotel. Hijinks ensue. Thanks to Lizzie for the idea and permission to write it.
Relationships: Jenny Flint/Madame Vastra
Comments: 31
Kudos: 54





	1. None Pizza Left Beef

**Author's Note:**

> My first AU! I'm so excited.

The hotel across from the pizza place took up most of that side of the road. It looked Victorian, in that it had pillars and flounces and was trying too hard to look like a temple. It had once been ostentatious and grand; now it was in mild decline. Acid rain had weathered the stone and the pollution had turned white a sad mix of beiges.

The rooms, Jenny knew from the occasional pizza delivery trip, were poky and box-like, barely big enough for the double bed that was crammed into them. They were horrendously over-priced but the convenient location of being close to central London and the train station meant people paid it and put up with it.

When the first strange order came in, she assumed it was from a guest, or some kind of prank. But she’d dutifully made it and sent it off with one of the delivery boys, peering out the shop window to see what happened. The bell hop, who looked like he worked out constantly but always skipped leg day, paid for it and took it in.

After that, the strange orders became common place. Disgusting combinations, like pineapple and spinach with barbecue sauce with extra cheese or no cheese, just mixed peppers on tomato sauce. Weird combinations. Half the pizza without cheese, the other half without sauce, all of it covered in onions and ham.

The final straw for Jenny was when the order came in for a pizza base with absolutely nothing on it, no sauce, no cheese no toppings, except for beef, on the left-hand side. She stared at it for some time, scratching at her bun with her pencil, before eventually deciding to make it. Even if it was a joke. Curiosity overrode annoyance and she decided to deliver it herself, to finally see who was behind it, or at least ask the bell hop who it was. She darted across the road and up the steps, looking for the bell hop but there was no sign of him. She cautiously opened the door to the lobby; it was a posh hotel after all and she was fully aware of her grease stained t-shirt and jeans and a kiss the chef apron she’d had to bring in from home.

There was no-one in the lobby but a ferocious looking receptionist. Jenny took a breath and approached her intrepidly, expecting any moment to be thrown out. The receptionist glanced up and stared at her. Jenny’s heart skipped a beat, whether out of fear of being caught or those piercing blue eyes she couldn’t tell.

“Ah! Is that my pizza?”

“You…yu…your pizza ma’am?” Jenny found herself momentarily tongue-tied. This was her weird pizza ordering customer?

“Yes.” The receptionist stared back at her coolly. She came out from behind the desk and relieved Jenny of the pizza box, checking it and nodding in satisfaction. She glanced back up and her eyes took in Jenny’s appearance. Jenny felt like she was in an x-ray machine of some kind, being scanned by those eyes. “Is that part of the service too?” The receptionist gave a wicked grin.

“Huh?” Jenny stared dumbly.

“The apron. Part of the payment perhaps?”

“Oh! Um. No. No! It isn’t…our official one tore. This is my one from home.” Jenny couldn’t think where her sudden stammer had come from. She was a brash London cockney. Not some trembling teenager in front of the head teacher.

“Shame. Cash it will have to be.” The receptionist held out a crisp twenty-pound note. When Jenny just stood there, she took Jenny’s hand and pressed the note into it, curling Jenny’s hand around it. Jenny startled out of the daze caused by the feel of the receptionist’s hand around hers and shoved the money into the box on her belt, remembering just in time to give her change.

“Enjoy!” She managed to get out before racing out of the building, nearly falling headfirst down the steps in her haste. That woman was…hot. She glanced back to see the receptionist staring after her, delicately picking up the pieces of beef and popping them in her mouth. She grinned at Jenny, winked, gave a little wave before turning around and sitting back down at her desk.

Jenny shook herself and went back to work, trying to regain enough composure to operate the ovens without burning herself or the pizzas. It was difficult but she managed to make it to the end of her shift without a disaster. She sighed with relief as she wiped down the last surface and closed up the shop, waving goodbye to the delivery boy. She slowed down as she walked past the hotel, peering in but there was no sign of the receptionist. With a sigh she walked home, not paying attention as she walked down the dark alley that was her usual shortcut back to the block of flats she lived in…


	2. Alleyway Altercations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zactly what it sez on the tin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters will always be short cos I'm having fun

It was the alley that she walked down most every night as a shortcut home from work. And she’d never really had any problems. Sometimes the odd drunk, once what looked like a small drugs deal. But tonight, and it would be night she was already unbalanced from Left Beef Lady, there was a small gang of four men down it. She didn’t notice them until she’d already strode a third of the way down it and Jenny Flint was not the kind to back off, so she continued, trying to keep her steps even. She thanked whatever gods there were she always wore trainers. She stared, almost blankly, past them, ignoring the fact they were looking at her.

And then came the dreaded “Oi!...Oi love!”

To ignore it would illicit rude words, to respond would illicit violence and the way Jenny Flint responded to being called ‘love’ would illicit further violence. She sighed, trying to be sensible. There were four of them. That meant witnesses.

“What?” she asked curtly, trying to walk past them.

“Now, now. Just wanted to have a word.” The presumed leader blocked her path. He looked over Jenny’s shoulder and nodded, clearly some kind of signal to the rest of them.

Jenny rolled her eyes. Oh well. She let her rucksack slip from her shoulder, let her shoulders sag and then, the moment the leader returned his attention to her, shoved the heel of her hand straight up into his nose.

‘And there were the rude words’ she thought as she turned to the three stunned men behind her.

“Oi!” one of them cried in apparent shock. “You can’t do that!”

“Why not?” A posh voice asked from behind them. Jenny took advantage of them turning their backs to her to grab the nearest by the arm and spin him into the brick wall. He even bounced slightly, before staggering and falling against a Biffa bin.

By the time she’d stood upright again, one man had what looked like claw marks across his cheek and was staring in disbelief at the blood on his fingers and the other was running away. The leader was just staring dumbfounded and made no move to stop her as she collected her rucksack from a small puddle and walked past him, eager to flee the scene before any cops showed up.

“You handled that quite well, I thought.”

The posh voice called after her, the quick click click of heels indicating it was trying to catch up to her.

“Yeah and I didn’t need any help either.” Jenny felt unaccountably angry at the interference. She quickened pace, hoping Left Beef Lady would give up. Unfortunately, the hotel receptionist had rather longer legs than Jenny, and even hampered by high heels, soon caught up.

“What did you even do to that bloke?” Jenny asked, curiosity overcoming her sudden sullenness at having been rescued by a very attractive woman who could fight in high heels. She saw a flash of something metal out the corner of her eye and turned to look at what Left Beef Lady was waving at her. It looked like some kind of hand jewellery; a wide leather bracelet linked by sturdy looking chains to small metal caps on the ends of every finger. They were shaped like claws and looked as though they’d been sharpened. Roughly. As if they hadn’t originally been.

“Everyone always says about holding your keys in your fist, I thought this…” she waggled her fingers. “…was more effective.” Left Beef Lady’s smile looked sharper than her claws and Jenny suppressed an involuntary shiver. Sure, she could use her fists well but a weapon like that…

“Well thanks, I s’pose.” Jenny dug her hands in her pockets, as if trying to find genuine gratefulness in there.

“Oh, I doubt you really needed me to step in.” Left Beef Lady tugged at Jenny’s arm, pulling her away from a puddle she’d been about to step in.

“Oi! Don’t you go gettin’ handsy too!” Jenny roughly jerked out of the grasp, in no mood for sudden touches.

Left Beef Lady stared at her, looking intrigued by Jenny’s reaction rather than put down. “My apologies. I merely wished to prevent your trainers from getting soaked. It’s so uncomfortable to walk in wet shoes.” She inclined her head and stared at Jenny a moment longer before turning on her heel and walking back towards the alley they’d had the altercation in.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh! A crime?

Despite the fact that the apology had seemed sincere, it had riled Jenny. There was no explanation, either of the weird pizza orders or her getting involved in Jenny’s fight. What’d she even been doing there anyway? Had she been following Jenny? It kept a scowl on Jenny’s face until she reached her flat and slammed the door shut behind her, uncaring of the complaints she might get. She could almost hear the grumbling going on in her own head. Stupid bloody woman and her ridiculous pizza orders and her what the fuck even were those?? on her hands and that was without going into the flimsy piece of shit apron that had torn meaning Jenny had to wear her awful bought for her as a joke by her dumbass brother apron instead because her boss was too fucking cheap to buy a new one and….

With a grunt of frustration, she flung her bag on the floor and knocked the heater on in the bathroom, hoping a hot shower would rinse everything away along with the grease from cooking.

Still steaming slightly from both the shower and her anger, she led on her bed wrapped up in various towels, staring at the ceiling, not caring that she was getting her sheets damp. They were due to be changed anyway, she just didn’t have the energy to do it tonight. She noticed a spider slowly inching its way across to the corner but didn’t have the heart to evict it. She tried taking a deep breath and then slowly exhaling, the tried and tested technique of relaxation. It seemed to drain the anger but left her exhausted rather than the relaxed. With a groan, she rolled over, wrapping the towels around her and fell asleep.

The result was she woke up, cold and uncomfortable about three in the morning. She hadn’t switched the heating on, not really being able to afford it, so now she was clammy, and her sheets were damp. She dried herself off in the dark and pulled on hoodie and sweatpants, before digging out a blanket from the wardrobe. She wandered down the stairs into what counted as a living room, at least it had a television hooked up to her laptop and a sofa. Technically it was also a dining room but there was barely space for her tiny coffee table let alone a four-piece dining set. But her sofa, although small, was well worn enough to be comfortable and she curled up on it, spreading the blanket over her.

She thought how nice it would be to have a cat or something, that would curl up next to her and keep her warm. But she couldn’t subject a cat to a flat this small. Her bed was in a small loft space, if she got up too quickly she hit her head on the ceiling. A flight of stairs led down to a small room, her sofa on one side, the telly on the other, the coffee table in the middle. Past the sofa was a small kitchenette and past that was a tiny shower and toilet. There wasn’t even room for a washing machine, not that she could afford the electricity or water to run one. She had a small fridge/freezer by the cooker and that was it. She pulled the blanket over her head, so she didn’t have to look at her crummy living situation anymore and went back to sleep.

The only trouble with sleeping on the sofa was that it was right by the window and of course she hadn’t closed the blinds. The beautiful day shone right through and woke her up, early enough to make it ugly no matter how much bright sunshine there was. Her head felt stuffy and she prayed she wasn’t coming down with a cold. Yawning, she walked out onto the small balcony, the only perk of living here. The apartment below had a window seat, so she had a balcony. There was a small folding chair on it. Still wrapped up in her blanket, she wiped off the dew and sat down on it, staring out at a London that was already awake. Coffee would’ve completed the picture, but she wanted to stay sleepy a little while longer. When squinted at early enough in the morning and through a pre-caffeine haze, London could almost seem beautiful at times.

She watched someone on a bike delivering mail for a few minutes then turned inside and turned the kettle on. She scrolled through the news on her phone with one hand, as she absentmindedly spooned coffee into her mug with the other as she waited for it to boil. She clicked on the London section to see if anything particularly interesting had happened in the far too short a time she’d been asleep. She heard the kettle click and poured it into her mug without looking, still scrolling past the seemingly endless news of various levels of violence around London.

She was about to take her first sip of coffee when she saw it. “Four men found slashed to death in alley! London be on the look out for wild animal. Zoos being questioned.”

Normally she would’ve shrugged it off as just another wild occurrence in London. She swore it’d barely been three months since a tiger had escaped. But something about it being four men, down an alley. The small glint of the deliberately sharpened metal claws shone in her mind. Then she shook her head. She was being absolutely ridiculous. The hotel concierge had weird pizza habits for sure and dubious taste in jewellery but that was all. She finished her coffee, wolfed down a bowl of cereal and then vegged out on the sofa until it was time to get ready for work.


	4. Chapter 4

Her shift was uneventful until the evening when another pizza order came in for the hotel across the road. She stared at it. Double pepperoni, onions, jalapenos. She checked the address once more and then cooked it, shaking her head. Left Beef Lady was toying with her by sending in a perfectly ordinary pizza order. She didn’t know whether she felt like snarling or smiling at being messed around like that.

She decided to take it over herself. Having calmed down from the adrenalin rush of the incident down the alley, she felt she’d been slightly rude to LBL, considering she was a customer and all. It would be an opportunity to apologise. She strode up the steps and was surprised when a woman stopped her.

“Hey! That’s my pizza.” She smiled at Jenny and waved the e-mail confirmation and a twenty pound note at her. “Thanks. Love the apron.”

Jenny substituted a sigh for a polite smile. “Here’s your change. Enjoy!”

The woman waved at her and turned to go back into the hotel. Jenny stood on the steps staring after her for a second. She should’ve realised that LBL wouldn’t order pizza two nights in a row. No-one could eat that much pizza. Apart from university students anyway. She hesitated and then snuck up the rest of the stairs to peer in through the doors. She could see the receptionist desk but there was no-one there. She pushed open the door, wondering where she was, whether she was okay. What if the men had decided to come after her…

“Can I help you?” the Should’ve Gone To Leg Day bell hop jumped in front of her as she crossed the foyer.

“Uh I was just looking for uh…” She’d nearly called her Left Beef Lady “um the receptionist.”

“He’s not here at the moment.”

“He? No I meant the woman.”

The bell hop raised his eyebrows. “We’re a hotel, not somewhere to pick up women.”

“I’m not tryin’ to!” Jenny felt herself going red. “She helped me out yesterday. I just wanted to say thanks!”

The bell hop grunted. “It’s her day off.”

“Do you know when she’ll be in next?”

“Piss off!” the bell hop snorted. “Please.” He reached for a small walkie talkie attached to his belt.

Jenny decided not to push her luck and retreated back to the safety of her greasy kitchen. The flush on her cheeks wasn’t anything to do with the heat of the ovens. Gods, she’d been ridiculous, asking like that. She shouldn’t have bothered. She’d thanked LBL yesterday anyway. She slammed the oven door shut a little more vigorously than usual, cursing herself that she’d been that egotistic to think that Left Beef Lady had been messing with her. She wasn’t the only customer and plenty of guests had ordered pizza from them before. She stomped around the kitchen, making the delivery boy raise his eyebrows.

“Get in a fight with a customer or something?” he asked, after listening to Jenny growl softly whilst chopping onions for two minutes.

“Hm?” she jerked her head up. “Oh. Something like that yeah.”

“Always gotta be that one asshole.” He nodded sympathetically and set off to deliver the next pizza.

 _Yes, but usually they’ve ordered something before I get annoyed at them._ Jenny thought to herself with a sigh.

Jenny left work that night, fully looking forward to two days off. She’d worked thirteen shifts in a row now and needed a break. She wondered briefly if she’d miss Left Beef Lady’s order by doing so. “Arghh!” Jenny groaned softly, slapping a hand to her forehead, pausing at the head of the alleyway. Why was she thinking so much about that lady anyway?

“This is stupid.” She snorted and strode home, muttering to herself, splashing through the puddles and not caring if her trainers got soaked through. She was walking on autopilot and wasn’t looking where she was going and walked straight into someone, practically bouncing off them and falling to the pavement with an ‘oof’.

“Hello! I thought I’d run into you here.” came a familiar voice from above her.

Jenny looked up from inspecting the grazed heels of her palms straight into the electric blue eyes of Left Beef Lady.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenny runs into LBL

“Well, you ran into me, but I digress.” The Left Beef Lady smiled at Jenny who stayed sprawled on the pavement, dumbfounded. “Would you like to get up?” LBL held her hand out. “I don’t have my claws on.” She added when Jenny fixed her gaze on it.

“Uhh…”

“The bell hop warned me that an impertinent pizza delivery boy was looking for me. I assumed he meant you. And I wanted to check myself that you were all right after last night.” Left Beef Lady withdrew her hands and folded her arms, looking away. Jenny stared, fascinated by the small flush on LBL’s cheeks. She burst out laughing, resulting in a rather haughty glower from LBL which merely added to Jenny’s amusement. She finally picked herself up off the pavement, brushing the worst of the street detritus from her jeans. It didn’t really matter, she reasoned to herself. They’d need washing tonight anyway, having been worn for so many shifts. She hissed as the grazes met fabric.

Her hands were suddenly grabbed by Left Beef Lady and held up for inspection.

“These will need cleaning.” LBL tutted.

“Uh. Yeah.” Jenny’s brain short circuited slightly as LBL ran her thumbs over the grazes. There was no need for them to stroke her palms like that. She swallowed and jerked her hands back, resulting in an inquisitive tilt of the head from LBL, as if Jenny were a puzzle she was trying to solve.

“Do they hurt that badly?”

“No!” Jenny shook her head. “It’s just…”

“Hm?” Left Beef Lady took a step towards her and Jenny nearly fell over again as she stumbled backwards. But LBL merely stooped to pick up Jenny’s bag from the pavement, proffering to Jenny with an amused stare. “I’m not going to eat you, you know.” She gave a toothy smile and then stepped closer. Jenny held her ground this time. “Well.” LBL leaned over and whispered in Jenny’s ear. “Not unless you want me to.”

None of Jenny’s brain seemed to be operating now. She was sure there were functions like breathing that were meant to be happening. She managed to blink. Let out a weird snort that started her lungs up again. “Uhhhhh.” She didn’t even protest as LBL lifted Jenny’s arm up and slid her rucksack onto it.

“There.” LBL stepped back and smiled at her. “Now. What was it you wanted me for?”

“I don’t want you!” Jenny managed to blurt out.

“You came to my place of work to ask after me, even went so far as to enquire after my work schedule.” Left Beef Lady stared at her quizzically. “Oh dear. Did I get the wrong end of the stick?” she gave a small false smile. “I do apologise. Perhaps you were merely wishing to avoid me.”

“What? No! Argh!” Jenny rubbed her temples and sagged against the wall. “I’ve had a really long couple of weeks. I need a day off.”

“I see. You do seem tired.” LBL leant her shoulder against the wall. “But I came to meet you here specially. So if you could tell me what you want with me, I’ll be on my way and stop bothering you.”

Jenny tried to get her thoughts in order. Left Beef Lady was so close she could smell her perfume. Expensive perfume too. “I just wanted to say. Sorry. For being abrupt the other night.” She ground the words out between her teeth.

“Well. You had just been waylaid by ruffians. Perfectly natural to be tense and wary of physical contact. Or was it me you were tense and wary of?” LBL waggled her now clawless fingers. “I only wished to accompany you home, in case they followed you, you know.”

Jenny slid her rucksack off her shoulder and shoved the bag at Left Beef Lady. “Walk me ‘ome now then.” She shoved her hands in her pockets and stalked off, a small part of her brain wondering what she’d do if LBL didn’t follow her. The larger part of her brain reassured her that LBL would and indeed the clicking of heels started following her not a moment later.

It wasn’t a long walk between her flat and the pizza shop really. One of the perks of the place, even if it was tiny. Left Beef Lady caught her up soon enough and walked alongside her.

“You have a hole in your jeans by the way.” She pointed out after a moment’s silence. “Left buttock.”

“Starin’ at ‘em were you?” Jenny scoffed.

“It’s a much nicer view than staring at the pavement.” LBL didn’t sound the slightest bit apologetic.

Jenny sighed. She didn’t really have the money for new jeans right now. Not that it particularly mattered in the kitchens and serving wise she was behind the counter but walking home was a different matter. Left Beef Lady wouldn’t be the only one staring.

“I can fix them for you if you like.” LBL offered as they reached the door to the flat.

Jenny paused in putting her key in the door and glanced at LBL who was standing there looking innocent. “Well thas one way of inviting yerself into me home.” She snorted and opened the door. “Come on then.”

A grin split Left Beef Lady’s face ear to ear and she followed Jenny in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear they learn each other's names in the next chapter


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenny invites LBL into her flat at one in the morning

Jenny regretted her decision instantly. She hadn’t washed up, the blanket was still strewn on the sofa and she really should’ve washed her sheets and those towels and thank god the door to the bathroom was shut because she couldn’t recall the last time she’d cleaned the loo. And would it hurt her to clean the oven top once in a while? She’d been planning on doing all of that when she had her day off, of course. Which was tomorrow. And LBL was here today. She sighed. She was covered in grease and grit and who knew what else from a pavement in London, she fitted right in.

Left Beef Lady strode right in, seemingly without caring and deposited Jenny’s bag by the sofa.

“D’you want coffee? Tea?” Jenny’s hands twisted nervously into her t-shirt.

“Hm. Tea, please.” Left Beef Lady flashed Jenny a smile and wandered back to where she was standing waiting for the kettle to boil. “Should we get you out of these jeans then?” LBL’s hands went to Jenny’s waist. “And then we can clean your hands.”

“You always so grabby?” Jenny knocked the hands away.

“My apologies.” LBL held her hands away. “I was merely concerned. But you should get changed. I can make the tea.”

“Sure.” Jenny ran upstairs to get some clothes out of the small chest she had at the foot of her bed. She paused, dragged the sheets off the bed and stuffed them into her laundry bag with the towels. She’d go to the laundromat tomorrow. Grabbing a clean towel she thudded back downstairs and disappeared into the bathroom. Muttering curses under her breath she squirted some bleach down the bog and hopped in the shower cubicle. She cleaned her teeth whilst shampooing her hair to save time. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust LBL and she had nothing to steal anyways but she was becoming increasingly aware that she’d just invited a woman into her flat at one in the morning. Not that she wasn’t imagining the other way it could end, or begin, but it was probably for the best if Left Beef Lady…well…left.

Smelling faintly of passion fruit and mint, dressed in an old t-shirt and pyjama trousers, Jenny opened the door to the bathroom, to find a steaming cup of tea waiting for her on the counter. LBL was sitting on the sofa, staring at nothing in particular. Jenny picked up the tea and hesitantly sat down next to her.

“You…want to watch something?” Jenny blew on her tea. Well, it’d be rude to kick her out right away, after she’d made tea and everything, she reasoned to herself.

“Not particularly.” LBL slumped down on the sofa until she could rest her head on the back of it and promptly closed her eyes.

Jenny stared at her for a moment. She wondered what Left Beef Lady wanted. She wondered what she wanted.

“What’s your name anyways?” she couldn’t keep calling her Left Beef Lady.

Left Beef Lady’s eyes snapped open and stared at her, looking hurt. “It was on all the orders. Did I really make so little an impression…Jenny?”

Jenny nearly spilt her tea. “I don’t really look at the orders! The delivery boy does. I just make the pizza. How do you know my name??”

Left Beef Lady looked slightly dumbfounded. Rolled onto her side and pressed a finger lightly against Jenny’s chest, where her name tag usually was pinned to her t-shirt. “You wear a name tag.”

“Not when I’m not at work I don’t.” Jenny frowned down at the finger. She could feel LBL’s breath on her neck which was distracting.

“You delivered my pizza to me.”

“One time. Why _do_ you order such weird pizzas?”

“Can’t you guess?” There was a smirk in her tone of voice.

“No.” Jenny jerked herself off the sofa and downed the rest of her tea.

“Ah.” LBL stood up and brushed something off her trousers. “Well, you’re tired. Get some rest.” She walked past Jenny, depositing her cup in the sink and strode into the bathroom.

“Hey!” the cry died on Jenny’s lips as she strode out again holding her jeans.

“What is it? Did you want a good night kiss?”

 _How_ did _the woman move so fast? Yes her flat wasn’t big but to go from over by the bathroom door to right in front of her in what felt like a blink of an eye was impressive_. Jenny thought as she stared up at Vastra.

“Jenny?”

Jenny felt a thumb brush over her cheek and her head tilted automatically and suddenly there were soft lips pressing chastely against hers.

“Perhaps that will help solve the mystery.”

Jenny’s eyes had closed at some point and she only heard the words and then the clicking of heels. Her eyes slammed open a second after the door slammed shut. “HEY!!”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not the date Jenny wanted

Vastra. Weird name. Cool name though. She’d spent her days off vigorously cleaning and replaying the kiss and making a strong mental note to check the name on the order the moment she was back at work. Which she was now doing. Her jeans hadn’t reappeared though, so she was in a pair of neon pink sweatpants which clashed horribly with her Kiss the Chef apron. She leant on the counter as she scrolled through past orders. No surname but then with a name like Vastra who’d bother putting one? It wasn’t a common name, not like, for example, Jenny.

Vastra. Jenny tried saying it under her breath. Strange name for a strange lady. Who’d waltzed in and rescued her, although Jenny hadn’t asked her to. Then had come to check she was okay, again unasked, although possibly with reason. Then followed her home, well Jenny had told her to. Then invited herself in, which Jenny had allowed. Well it would’ve been rude not to, after Vastra had walked her home. She was mildly baffled by the cryptic talk, not so much by the kiss, but then Vastra had left? And left Jenny utterly baffled.

Her confusion had only deepened when she’d gone upstairs to make her bed only to find it very neatly made to hotel standards and everything. Vastra must’ve done it whilst Jenny was in the shower. And then there was the weird pizza orders. She tried to find a pattern but there wasn’t one. Vastra had said the kiss would help with the mystery but for Jenny, it had merely deepened it. What did a kiss have to do with ordering a None Pizza with Left Beef??

She was shaken from her reverie by the bell above the shop door tinkling. That was weird too. It wasn’t that they were a delivery only service, but most people ordered online. At least until it got to about midnight and then all the drunks wanted chips. What was even weirder was it was the “Never Heard Of A Squat” bell hop standing in the shop. He spotted her and stomped up to the counter.

“Can I ‘elp you sir?”

He held out a folded piece of paper. “There. I’m not waiting around for an answer. I’m not _Cupid!_ ” He grumbled before thumping his way back out the door. He was so broad across the shoulders he could barely fit through it.

Jenny stared after him and then at the piece of paper. It was clearly from a set, probably from the hotel. She ignored her heart doing a small back flip in her chest and opened it up.

_“Hey. Saw you walk past. You delivered my pizza the other night. Remember me? I think you’re cute. Fancy a date? If so, meet me in the hotel foyer tomorrow morning for some brunch?”_

The woman?? Who ordered ordinary pizza? Jenny crumpled the paper up in disbelief, aware that she was somehow incredibly disappointed. A feeling which only increased the longer her shift went on without a weird pizza order, despite the best efforts of her brain to reassure her that they were usually only once every other week or that Left Beef L…Vastra might not even be in work today.

Annoyance also got a look in when there was still no sign of her jeans coming back to her. She should’ve just used safety pins or something, this was London after all, she could claim it was a fashion statement. As long as no-one could see her Batman boxers it would be fine. And to top it off, some customer was trying to chat her up, with notes sent via the damn BELL HOP? She groaned. What if he told Vastra?? She’d have to deal with the woman tomorrow though. She was in no mood to be going on a date, but she didn’t like the idea of just leaving the woman waiting. It wasn’t good customer service for one and two, she wasn’t liking being kept waiting by Vastra. No need to spread that around.

Jenny rummaged through her chest of clothes the next morning, trying to find something she could wear. The only other item of clothing she had, apart from her jeans and her jogging bottoms were corduroy dungarees. They’d been a Christmas present from her brother. He really did have shit taste in gifts it had to be said. But they were hardly worn, as dungarees were not Jenny’s fashion statement of choice, and they weren’t three year old jogging bottoms. Even if she wasn’t going to accept the date, Jenny still had _standards_. She picked out a fairly new t-shirt, shoved an old one into her rucksack so she could be ready for work after she dealt with the woman and then headed out.

At least if she was more respectably dressed the bell hop wouldn’t bother her, she hoped, as she climbed the steps and walked past him into the foyer. She froze when she saw who was sitting behind the desk. Of _course_ she’d be at work today. Just when Jenny really could’ve done with her _not_ being at work, there she was. Jenny gave an awkward smile but Vastra ignored her.

“Hey! You came!” someone touched her arm and she turned to find the young woman smiling at her. “I’m Clara. Shall we?” Clara gestured towards the main door and then started walking towards it.

“Uh. Listen. Clara?” Jenny went through the door as Clara held it open, not wishing Vastra to hear anything.

“I know this great brunch place. It’s hardly ever crowded at this time too. Does wonderful eggs.” Clara bounced along.

“No really. Listen.” Jenny grabbed her arm. “I’m flattered. Really. But it…I…don’t know you. And you’re a customer.” _So is Vastra, a traitorous voice in her piped up. And you let her kiss you before you even knew she was called Vastra._ “It’s just really awkward. And not a good time right now. Sorry.” She hastily let the arm go again.

“Oh.” Clara deflated slightly.

“I just didn’t want you waiting around, for nothing. That’s why I came.”

“That’s okay. Thanks for letting me know.” Clara smiled awkwardly. “Well. I hope the times get better for you.” She walked off down the street, Jenny could only presume to go get brunch by herself.

 _I severely doubt that_. Jenny grumbled. It was still too early really to go into work and seeing as Vastra was in, she should enquire after her jeans. With a sigh, Jenny turned back to the hotel.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idly wondering

The bell hop looked surprised as she ignored him again on her way through the doors, walking straight up to the desk.

“Hi.”

“Hello.” Vastra glanced up from the paperwork she was filling in. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering…uh…about my jeans.” That was an awkward sentence to say out loud.

“Hm? Oh. They’re under the desk. They’ve been ready for two days now. I was expecting you to come pick them up. You don’t need to sign for them.” Vastra still didn’t look her in the eye as she reached beneath and placed a neatly folded and washed pair of jeans on the counter.

“Uh. Okay. Thanks.” Jenny was puzzled. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, thank you. Shouldn’t you be going? You have a date waiting, do you not?”

Jenny took a deep breath. “Uh. Only if you’re waitin’. For me. I mean. Um!” she swore under her breath. She’d intended it to be a cool come back, a reassurance and asking Vastra out all at the same time.

Vastra stared at her coolly, resting her chin on interlocked fingers. “Why would I be waiting for you?”

“I meant I’ve only got a date waitin’ if you are. Waitin’ for me.”

“I repeat, why would I be waiting for you?”

“Well. You…” Jenny faltered and stared at the lobby floor rather than meet those blue eyes. “No reason. Forget it. Thanks for mendin’ me jeans.” She mumbled, swiping them off the counter and sidling past the bellhop who was staring at her curiously.

She opened the pizza place up early, changing into her jeans and old t-shirt, making a note to burn those dungarees the minute she could. The place felt empty without anyone else around. She sat on the floor, staring up at the ovens and the huge fridges, wondering if she was going to cry. But she wasn’t feeling upset. Still baffled. Why had she suddenly been so standoffish, after kissing her not forty-eight hours before. Why had she kissed her? And WHY did she order weird pizzas? There were so many reasons Jenny could think of for every question, all of them sounding perfectly reasonable. She could just have a weird taste in pizzas and Jenny’s shop was convenient. She could’ve been put off by Clara. Or she could’ve just been aware that the bellhop was there.

 _More importantly,_ her traitorous inner voice piped up again _why didn’t you mind when she kissed you? Why did you tell her to walk you home? Why did you let her fix your jeans? Forget what Left Beef Lady is thinking. What are you thinking?_

She was still sat on the floor, trying to reason through all of her convoluted thought when the delivery boy opened the door.

“You alright?” He asked hesitantly, staring at her oddly. “Boy troubles?” He eventually asked, after she’d stared at him absentmindedly for a moment. “Girl troubles?” he amended. “You were angry the other day and now you’re sat on the floor. Lookin’ a bit miserable and confused.” He explained in the silence that followed. She slumped forward over her knees. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Can we please talk about something else?” Jenny asked, not really wanting to discuss any of what she’d just been thinking about with her delivery boy.

“I wonder whether they ever caught that big cat?” the delivery boy mused. “Y’know, the one that killed those men.”

“UGH!!” Jenny threw her hands up in the air and got up, clicking on all the ovens before washing her hands and prepping for the shift.

She was glad that, it being a Monday, it was a slow shift at least and she could mope about the place in peace. The delivery boy at least had taken the hint after her “UGH” and was spending his time in the alley behind the shop. But without a steady stream of customers, and more importantly without a weird order coming up on the system, there was far too much time to over-analyse everything. She stopped herself before she became too miserable and switched to daydreaming about Vastra waiting for her by the alley, wanting to walk her home again. But that resulted in her nearly burning a pizza at which point she did her best to put everything to do with Vastra from her mind and concentrated on being polite and pleasant to the delivery boy, although he merely looked suspiciously at her when she did.


	9. Chapter 9

At the end of her shift Jenny bid a rather despondent farewell to the delivery boy, whose name she would also learn at some point. Names were clearly not her area, she realised as she shuffled along the alley, kicking at beer bottles and coke cans, imagining what would happen if Vastra was waiting for her. She was so caught up in her small fantasy that she ran into someone.

“Sorry.” She said automatically and went to move past them, but an arm stopped her. She groaned; she did not need another Nudge Wink Leer moment down this alley. She turned an unimpressed glare upwards and felt it fade immediately from her face.

“I waited for you.” Vastra said simply.

“Yeah?” Jenny felt muscles that had been scowling all day suddenly remember how to smile broadly. “Bit late for brunch though. Fancy a pizza?”

“You still haven’t figured out about the pizza then I take it.” Vastra teased.

Jenny’s grin faded slightly. “Errr…no.”

Vastra started to walk and Jenny followed her.

“I don’t acutally like pizza.” Vastra explained, after a few moments of strolling along.

Jenny frowned in concentration, trying to figure out the logic. She settled on a nice and neutral “Oh.”

Vastra let out a bark of laughter. “Oh dear.”

A sudden surge of confidence pushed the words “Jus’ me then?” from Jenny’s lips.

“Just you.” Vastra replied simply.

Jenny suddenly felt very cock of the walk. She could feel her legs trying to swagger. She tripped over an empty takeaway box, which put a stop to that and left her puzzling over her next question. “How’d you even know me anyways?”

Vastra shrugged, not meeting Jenny’s eye. “I saw you, most every morning, walking past the hotel on your way to work. I worked mornings back then. You intrigued me. You were so punctual. Very useful if I’d forgotten my watch.”

“Nuffin’ wrong with that.” Punctuality usually wasn’t the first thing that most people found alluring and Jenny was confused as to why it’d garnered Vastra’s attention.

“Indeed not. I dislike laxness myself when it comes to time keeping. Then I got moved to the evening shift.”

“Got or asked to be?” Jenny strode a little way ahead and turned to stop Vastra in her tracks.

“Asked.” Vastra conceded. “But I was never particularly fond of mornings anyway.”

“Wait why? Surely that meant you never saw me no more…”

“Indeed not.”

“Hence the pizzas.” Jenny nodded and continued walking.

“I wanted to amuse you.” Vastra shrugged. “I thought it must be terribly tedious. Even worse than being a receptionist.”

“I s’pose it did amuse me.” Jenny mused, staring up at the light washed London sky. “And so what, you hung about the alley after you met me that time?”

“I had been distracted that day.”

“By me?”

“And I’d forgotten my purse.” Vastra ignored Jenny’s interjection. “I’d returned to get it.”

“So why’d you act so weird today?” Jenny continued her interrogation, determined to get answers now that Vastra seemed willing to give them.

“You were attempting to ask me out, I presume. Very poorly by the way.”

“Oh thank you!” Jenny snorted under her breath

“And at my place of work!” Vastra sounded disapproving for the first time. “It is highly frowned upon. We’re meant to be a rather high-end establishment. I had to pretend your jeans were dry cleaning, you know. Did you like the patch?”

Jenny realised she hadn’t checked and had a sudden fear Vastra had put something ridiculous there. She spun round on the spot, trying to see her own butt but stopped when Vastra laughed at her.

“Huh! But it was alright for you to remark on me apron was it?” they’d reached her doorstep by now and she stood on it to be as tall as Vastra.

“Mere banter. Not an acutal suggestion. And there was no-one to hear! Speaking of. May I?”

“May you what?” Jenny folded her arms, still irked. She had spent an entire shift moping after all.

“Kiss the chef.” Vastra leaned in, a small smile on her lips.

Jenny grabbed the lapels of the irritatingly smart jacket and tugged her even closer, crushing her lips against Vastra’s. She opened her mouth to draw a breath and found a tongue sneaking between her lips and a leg between hers as Vastra stepped onto the step with her. Her moan was only mildly muffled by their kissing and she prayed no-one had a window open as Vastra pressed her against the door. Her hands slid down to Vastra’s waist and tugged at the shirt, one hand slipping immediately upwards until it found a bra strap.

Vastra stopped kissing her rather abruptly. “Smooth. And we haven’t even had a first date yet.”

Common sense suddenly piled back into Jenny’s brain, having been beaten out temporarily by arousal. She didn’t like its reasoning even so. “Well, come on up for a cuppa at any rate.” She turned to unlock the door.

“And will I be having the cup of tea now or in the morning?” There was a sarcastic undertone to Vastra’s enquiry.

“In the morning?” Jenny suggested, a little hopefully. She was a little surprised at Vastra’s sudden shyness, given her lack of problem with invading Jenny’s personal space, not to mention kissing her.

“We don’t even know each other’s last names.” Vastra stayed on the doorstep as Jenny went in.

“Flint. Jenny Flint.” The aforenamed leant against the doorjamb, dumping her bag on the floor. “Chef at a local pizzeria. Thirty-two years of age. My favourite colour is blue. Navy blue. I don’t like drink, but I do like women. An’ I like you. That do you?”

“Vastra Madfall. Don’t laugh.”

“I wasn’t!” Jenny protested, although she had already thought up of several puns.

“I’m a secretary at a hotel. Forty-eight. My favourite colour is dark green. I’m not overly fond of drink myself, but I too like women and have become rather enchanted by you. And I’d like you do to me.” Vastra smiled. “But perhaps some tea first. Say, tomorrow? Brunch?”

Hating her brain for agreeing with the reasonableness of waiting until they knew each other a bit better, Jenny nodded, trying not to feel crestfallen and making a note to lecture her hormones about the fact they were thirty-two, not half that age.

“Until tomorrow then.” Vastra inclined her head in a small bow. She laughed when she saw Jenny’s expression. “Don’t pout.”

“I’m not poutin’.”

“Now you’re sulking. Have you never heard the idiom, all good things to those who wait?”

“No. My customers certainly never heard of it.” Jenny grumbled.

“If it’s any consolation, it is _very_ hard to walk away from your offer. As you can see.” Vastra spread her arms, indicating that she was indeed not walking away yet. “But you should sleep. As should I.”

“You could sleep ‘ere.” Jenny muttered, half to herself. Vastra was slightly larger than the cat she’d envisioned snuggling to keep her warm but that just meant more to cuddle.

“I could. The question is whether I _would_.” Vastra laughed. “How about a kiss good night then, as a consolation?”

The suggestion was enough to make Jenny grin broadly once more and she leapt down the step and was about to kiss Vastra very firmly good night when the door very firmly closed behind her and her brain very firmly reminded her that she’d dropped her keys into her bag, which she’d dropped onto the floor, the floor which was behind the door.

“Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Madfall is lizard in Welsh


	10. Chapter 10

They stared in unison at the entrance to Jenny’s block of flats.

“Back to mine then?” Vastra asked, raising her eyebrow. Jenny turned to gaze at her, surprised at the sudden offer. “Locksmiths are so expensive.” Vastra shrugged artlessly.

“Just as well I can do this then, ain’t it?” Jenny leaned close to Vastra, far closer than strictly necessary and plucked the bobby pins from Vastra’s hair, causing two curtains to fall forwards and frame her face. Jenny paused, kissed a bemused looking Vastra and then bent the bobby pins, before bending to her task.

“The moon is looking beautiful tonight.” Vastra called from behind her.

Puzzled, because it wasn’t even the night of the moon, Jenny looked up. Then realised what Vastra meant and snorted. “Thought you was meant to be goin’ home.”

“Well I couldn’t possibly leave now and abandon you. I mean what if the police came along? I’d be able to explain why a raggedly dressed woman was attempting to break into a block of flats. They’d believe me.”

“I don’t.” Jenny called back. “If you want that cuppa after all then stop distractin’ me!” She’d lost the tension now and had to start the delicate process of fiddling the pins up again. She thanked her stars that she’d done this enough times before that she could made quick work of it, partly because she didn’t want anyone investigating what she was doing and calling the police and half because she was expecting Vastra to get bored and to hear the click click of heels on the pavement as she walked away.

Instead she merely heard the click click as each pin slid back and twisted her improvised lever to open the door. She leaned round, grabbed her bag and used it as a doorstop to stop the door from closing again.

“Ta da!” she spun around with a flourish.

Vastra finally stepped back towards her, plucking the bobby pins from Jenny’s hand. “And what am I meant to do with these now?” She held them up to inspect the bent shapes.

“Keep ‘em in case of emergencies such as these?” Jenny suggested.

“I take it you often find yourself in such emergencies, judging by your skill. Or do you have a dark past, Miss Flint?” Vastra enunciated Jenny’s name as she stepped back into Jenny’s personal space and started toying with the strands of hair that always escaped from her bun. She could never be bothered with bobby pins herself.

“Not dark as such. Just a bit…mischievous.” Jenny watched carefully in case that was enough to get Vastra scarpering.

“A bit mischievous.” Vastra repeated. “How delightful.” Her eyes sparkled, as if she truly was delighted.

“Come up.” The words spilled from Jenny. “For a cuppa, for sleep, for…”

“Netflix and chill?” Vastra finished.

Jenny shrugged. “For anythin’. Just come up.”

Beyond merely finding Vastra hot, which she was, Jenny was fascinated by this woman who had apparently yearned after her for a while, so much so that she’d requested to change shifts and then had missed her to the point that she’d sent weird pizza requests to her place of work in the hopes of gaining her attention, or at least amusing her. There was a certain commitment to attracting Jenny’s attention and in response, Jenny found herself very much attracted and wanting to commit back. Definitely spend more time with her at any rate. And Jenny wasn’t the type to put off til tomorrow, what could be done today.

Another x-ray stare but Vastra seemed satisfied that Jenny meant it.

“Alright.” She followed Jenny up the stairs, waiting and watching in silence as Jenny fumbled her keys into the lock, amused that the keys seemed to offer Jenny more difficulties than a set of bobby pins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there were two ways it could've gone, I chose this one because Lockpick Jenny


	11. Chapter 11

At least, Jenny sighed in relief, she’d had a chance to scour the flat this time. Most everything was put away; the kitchen was almost sparkling. She’d even had time to do shopping. Not that she expected Vastra to be looking in the cupboards or the fridge but a snack, or breakfast could now be provided. She knocked the kettle on and dumped her bag down by the sofa, stretching until she’d creaked and clicked some of the stiffness out of her joints.

“Would you like a massage?” Jenny looked round to see Vastra folding her jacket up and lying it across the arm of the sofa. “I’m known to give good ones."

“Sounds good to me.” Jenny plopped down on the fluffy rug that covered up the threadbare carpet.

There was a soft _schff schff_ sound and the clunk of a heel falling over. More rustling and out the corner of her eye, Jenny saw a bra land on the sofa.

“Well you’d already undone it.” Vastra said as she sat down behind Jenny.

Left Beef Lady did not lie, Jenny mused as strong hands moved in firm gestures across her shoulders. She’d had massages before where the amateur masseuse would dig their fingertips in or be too soft and gentle. This was just smooth firm actions and it felt wonderful. She grunted and leaned forward slightly, ending up flopped over her folded legs so that Vastra could move down her back.

She felt her bra strap being undone, through her t-shirt and all! She shook with silent laughter. She deserved that, but she also supposed that it was getting in the way.

The kettle boiled but went unheeded until Vastra tapped her on the shoulder. “There.”

Jenny felt slightly boneless, she was so relaxed. She slumped on the rug with a happy sigh.

“I’ll make the tea, again. Shall I? You’re a terrible host.”

Jenny jerked herself upright. “I c’n make it.” She stumbled into the kitchen area after Vastra. She wasn’t the only one to have had a long shift after all. She tugged at Vastra’s sleeve, trying to stop her from opening the cupboard and pulling out mugs and teabags.

“Hm. You don’t have any green tea.” Vastra sighed.

“I c’n get some.”

“I’m teasing. You can calm down. You’ll undo all the good of the massage.”

Well if it meant she got another one, Jenny couldn’t really find any objection to that. But she did take a breath, leant against the counter and watched Vastra make tea. Of course, she’d made it before. That would explain the knowledge of where Jenny kept everything. She was surprised to see a small frown on Vastra’s face as she watched the teapot, waiting for the tea to stew. Jenny nudged her in the shoulder with her head.

“Hm?”

“Watched pot never stews.” Jenny mentally berated herself for her complete lack of small talk ability. She gave up and shuffled herself along until she was between Vastra and the counter.

“An unwatched pot tends to horrifically over-stew.” Vastra pointed out as Jenny took her hands and placed them on her waist.

Jenny paused in the middle of running her hands up Vastra’s arms. “D’you want sex or d’you want tea?” the question came out sharper than she’d intended, and she winced as she felt Vastra stiffen.

The woman could move fast, Jenny gave her that. Hands that had been resting lightly at her waist were now in her hair and at the small of her back, pulling her tightly against Vastra. Her heartbeat quickened at the powerful kiss which answered her question rather succinctly.

“And here I was, trying not to rush into this.” Vastra gasped as Jenny’s hands wandered down her back and under her shirt once more.

Jenny took the opportunity of Vastra releasing her lips to start pressing kisses against the underside of Vastra’s jaw. “We’re both punctual.” She murmured in between them. “Don’t like being kept waiting.”

Vastra gave a breathy laugh, throwing her head back. “You make a good point.”

Jenny halted her investigation of any sensitive spots at Vastra’s waist in order to undo Vastra’s shirt, which was stopping her mouth from progressing further down Vastra’s neck. She felt Vastra shiver as her knuckles brushed against skin as she worked the buttons open. Vastra’s nipples peaked in the chill air and Vastra moaned as Jenny gently licked one with her tongue, cradling the breast in her hand.

“You…” words seemed to fail her as she staggered slightly, pressing Jenny back against the counter.

Jenny paused, allowing Vastra a moment to collect herself. Her blue eyes were blazing as she stared at Jenny. And then she grinned wickedly and reached around Jenny, pressing her body full against her.

“You’re pouring the tea now??” Jenny’s jaw dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the fic yeets itself into M


	12. Smut And Puns

“Well it’ll stew less in a cup.” Vastra leant back and her fingers deftly undid Jenny’s jeans whilst she was distracted. “Now let’s see. Have you been stewing?”

The euphemism was a bad one, but Jenny still flushed, grabbing hold of Vastra’s arms to keep herself upright as Vastra tugged her boxers down a little and slid a hand in. She gasped loudly, Vastra’s finger had slipped easily between her folds.

The smug grin and the satisfied “hm” made Jenny want to turn the tables but that would have to wait as Vastra gently stroked up and down.

Jenny swore as Vastra removed her fingers, staring in awe as the woman licked them. “Perfectly brewed. Just how I like it. That counter doesn’t look very comfortable. Shall we?” Vastra gestured to the stairs.

Jenny grabbed the hand that gestured and pulled Vastra after her, kicking off her trainers as she went and then came to an abrupt halt on the fluffy rug. She turned and dropped to her knees before Vastra.

“Can I pick this lock too?” she reached for the zip of Vastra’s trousers, pausing as Vastra chuckled.

“Oh I imagine you’re more than skilled enough to.” Vastra nodded. She stepped out of her trousers once Jenny had undone the zip and pulled them down, then surprised Jenny by sitting on the rug, leaning back on her elbows. “I have no desire to fall over halfway through, only desire to fall for you.” Vastra explained simply.

Jenny nodded, unable to find words to be so eloquently obvious. She scrambled out of her jeans and tossed them to one side, pausing momentarily to stare at the patch.

“Really??” she laughed, gazing down at the half naked woman reclining on her floor.

Vastra shrugged. “Art?”

Jenny merely shook her head and then joined Vastra on the carpet, still laughing.

“Careful. You’ll lose the tension on the lock.” Vastra tapped her finger on Jenny’s nose.

“Can’t have that.” Jenny murmured, straddling Vastra and bending close. She could smell the faint scent of expensive perfume at Vastra’s neck, felt the buck of Vastra’s hips as she kissed her breasts, her ribs, grateful that her hair was still in its bun as she slid Vastra’s underwear down and off, enjoying the background sounds of hisses every time her fingers brushed against skin. She was close enough now to smell the essence of Vastra.

Vastra let out a low moan as Jenny tasted her. Jenny hoped her rug would survive being gripped in Vastra’s hands like that as she tested for and found sensitive spots, enjoying Vastra drawling her name, sometimes a cry, sometimes a sigh. It made her name sound like a invocation. She teased but a little, licking around Vastra’s entrance, pressing her lips to Vastra’s clit and feeling Vastra’s entire body shiver.

“Have I undone you yet?” she knelt on her knees and braced herself over Vastra. Blue eyes snapped open and Jenny wiggled her fingers meaningfully.

“By all means.” Vastra laughed breathlessly. Jenny admired her attempt at poise and slid a finger inside her. She thrust gently at first, losing herself in the rhythm as well, short, quick thrusts and then long and deep, trying to find the point where Vastra would click. She bent her finger slightly, as she had done the bobby pin, when a low cry told her she’d found it. Hands reached up to grab at her arms, hips thrust against her and she felt Vastra quiver, tense and then finally slump backwards, gasping. Jenny held still, enjoying the pulsing sensation around her finger. “By the gods Jenny…”

“That good?” Jenny slowly slid her finger out.

“Just wait until I’m recovered. I’ll bring you back to the boil.”

More than aware of the condition of her boxers, Jenny chuckled. “Don’ think I ever stopped.”

Left Beef Lady really could move quickly, Jenny reflected, as with a thud and a faint ‘oof’ she was now on her back, Vastra pressing against her, her thigh in between Jenny’s legs once more.

“Hm! I see what you mean.”

Jenny blushed, of course Vastra could feel the slickness against her thigh.

“Well, well.” How had she regained composure that quickly? Jenny was in awe. The low seductive voice was doing things to her and she hummed, thrusting against Vastra’s leg, causing a delicious friction through the fabric of her boxers.

She let loose a stream of garbled words as Vastra slid a hand down the back and squeezed gently, pulling her even closer, her long fingers curling right round to reach Jenny’s entrance. Thrusting back, Jenny gasped against the shallow penetration, bucking her hips forward, she moaned loudly at the friction against her clit, her cries increasing in volume and unintelligibleness, clutching at Vastra desperately as she shook her way through her orgasm. “Fuck…” she hissed, repeatedly, burying her face between Vastra’s breasts.

Left Beef Lady held her, making soft noises of comfort. “Should we retire to bed?” she whispered, feeling the rest of the tension leave Jenny. Jenny nodded, and got up, loathe to leave the embrace but aware that the bed would be warmer and more comfortable. Her legs still felt shaky and boneless as she stopped off at the loo.

She discarded her boxers and curled up in bed, waiting for Vastra to finish and join her.

“I should lock meself out more often if it makes you stay.”

“Hah!” Vastra snorted. “But just imagine if you hadn’t had to use my hair pins. I would’ve been able to eat you out as well.”

Jenny squirmed slightly, after a moment’s imagining this circumstance. “Remind me to buy you some more then.” She wriggled backwards until she hit Vastra and then relaxed into her favourite sleeping position, as one of those incredibly useful long arms draped over her.


	13. How Do You Like Your Eggs In The Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Morning After

Jenny woke up slowly, too groggy to move beyond stretching. She turned over with a groan and tried to figure out why something felt wrong. There was no-one in the bed beside her but that was usual, and yet…still wrong. She jolted upright as she remembered and then slumped, her heart sinking, unable to understand why Left Beef Lady would’ve left. She shuffled to the side of the bed and cast around for a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, flicking sleep dust from her eyes and yawning. Unsuitably dressed, she thumped downstairs, noting the scattered clothes with a sigh. It’d been such a good night too. She stopped suddenly, the information her eyes had been relaying to her finally reaching her brain. Vastra’s clothes were still here. That would indicate she hadn’t left. So where was the lady that wore them? A mystery that she was willing to let resolve itself with time as she flicked the kettle on and debated a shower.

She was halfway through brushing her teeth when the door opened. She rushed out the bathroom to check it was acutally Vastra, who was clearly better at remembering keys than she was. She paused in the doorway, her jaw dropped and her toothbrush clattered to the floor.

“Now there’s a look to come home to.” Vastra raised an eyebrow as she deposited a bag and a cardboard cup holder on the kitchen side.

Jenny swiped up her toothbrush and went to rinse her mouth out. “You’re one to talk!” she said, coming back out the bathroom, her voice muffled by the towel as she wiped her face. “Did you seriously nick my dungarees??”

“Yes. I rather like them. Corduroy is a weakness of mine. I had to lengthen the straps somewhat and pretend that ankle swingers are in fashion, but I think it rather suits me.” Vastra stuffed her hands in the pockets and pointed a leg and admired it.

Jenny admired it too and had to admit, on Vastra, they looked suddenly haute couture and all the rage, especially with Vastra’s heels. And the dungaree straps were incredibly useful for getting Vastra to bend down and kiss her as Jenny moved to join her in the kitchen area.

“I got us both a sencha green tea. Caffeine is bad for you.” Vastra removed the two cups and handed one to Jenny, touching hers to Jenny’s. “Cheers.” Jenny made a face as she sipped it, making Vastra laugh. “It’s not for everyone.”

“What’s in the bag?” Jenny nodded towards it, continuing to sip on the tea. It could become an acquired taste.

“Pig’s ears.” Vastra said nonchalantly.

Jenny felt the colour drain from her face, feeling glad she hadn’t started taking gulps of her drink, otherwise it would be all across her kitchen area.

“Goodness. Do I seem _that_ type of person?” Vastra raised an eyebrow, smirking. She brought out a small paper bag and held it out. To Jenny’s immense relief there was nothing more than swirled pastries in heart shapes, and she immediately hooked out two and devoured them one after the other.

“So caffeine is bad, but sugar isn’t?” she grinned, sucking flakes of pastry off her fingers.

“I also bought some salmon, muffins and eggs to make eggs benedict with. One should breakfast like a queen.” Vastra averted her eyes from the sight.

Jenny stared at her meagre kitchen space. “Uhh…does it need much?”

“Not at all. May I?” Vastra put her tea down and started arranging everything.

Jenny watched in fascination as her battered saucepan was filled up and put on the hob to boil. Muffins were expertly cut ready to be toasted. Her chopping board was soon garnished with freshly chopped chives and slivers of salmon. She did her part by fishing two plates out of the cupboard and arranging them on the side.

“It’s never the same out the jar of course.” Vastra frowned as she held up a small jar of hollandaise sauce. “But never mind.”

“D’you often get all gourmet like this?” Jenny gestured to the poaching eggs.

“Occasionally. One of the nice things about working the evening shift is I have plenty of time for a leisurely morning and therefore a leisurely breakfast.” Vastra set the toaster going.

Jenny thought about her frequent breakfasts of leftover pizza or bowls of cereal and decided not to say anything. She could see Vastra staring at her and squirmed slightly at the unspoken truth, feeling grateful when the toaster popped up and Vastra turned her attention back to breakfast.

They went out onto the balcony, after Jenny had tugged her jeans back on and grabbed a hoodie. She took a huge bite of her egg and made muffled noises of appreciation, considering getting Vastra to teach her how to make it, it was that delicious. Vastra smiled, somewhat enigmatically, as she more gracefully devoured hers. Jenny licked her fingers clean and then wiped her hands on her jeans before reclining back with a sigh of satisfaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be drawing Vastra in dungarees and also that balcony scene
> 
> the sencha green tea is a shout out to Person of Interest and Harold......


	14. But What About Second Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I invoke Author Reality. In this AU you can get Harley Quinn boxers from Primark. I want Harley Quinn boxers to exist somewhere. (Vastra wears Poison Ivy ones)

_She’d been put out, having waited three days, when Jenny reappeared only to meet another woman in the hotel foyer and try and tempt Jenny with offers of eggs? Although it hadn’t seemed to have worked for that young woman in particular, as Jenny had come back to attempt to chat her up, she’d decided that she was more than a match for whatever that brunch place had on offer. And so, upon waking up next to the young woman, and to quell several loud voices asking her precisely_ what _she thought she was doing, she’d got up, very carefully to avoid bashing her head on the low sloping roof, showered, found the only clean looking comfortable clothes on offer and had gone out to get ingredients, remembering to take Jenny’s keys with her. The bent bobby pins were there too, but as it was now daylight and she’d never picked a lock before anyway, she’d thought keys the safest option._

_Judging by the way Jenny had wolfed the eggs down, her efforts were much appreciated. But she did wish Jenny wouldn’t lick her fingers like that. It was far too tantalising. She’d looked away the first time, wanting to cook breakfast. The second time, she’d had to concentrate hard on her eggs. She wiped her own hands on the napkin that had come with the coffee and collected the plates to take them indoors. This roused Jenny from her state of looking blissfully at peace with the world and the young woman followed her inside, protesting that Vastra didn’t need to do that, deaf to Vastra’s assurances that she didn’t mind._

_Jenny put the kettle on, wanting coffee, before scooping up the bag of Palmiers and munching through another two of the small pastries as she wandered back into the living room, kicking the abandoned clothing into a pile. It was positively sinful, Vastra reflected as she followed, the way the young woman devoured them. Observing such an action for a third time was not within the realms of Vastra’s capabilities. She reached out and stopped Jenny as her fingers rose to her mouth once more. The young woman looked suddenly nervous, as if expecting Vastra to lecture her. Vastra smiled. Far from being put off by the mild lack of table manners, she merely wanted the opportunity to fulfil the task of licking the flakes of pastry off Jenny’s fingers herself._

_Judging by the sudden hitch in breathing, particularly when Vastra then gently sucked her fingertips to get the last few grains of sugar, Jenny was appreciative of this gesture._

_“Imagine if I had unbent bobby pins.” Vastra teased, looking Jenny in the eye as she double checked Jenny’s fingers were clean with a swirl of her tongue. Her gaze travelled to Jenny’s lips and she tutted ostentatiously. There was a crumb clinging there was well. Not relinquishing Jenny’s hand, she stepped forward and bent slightly to lick it up. She wasn’t particularly a fan of sweet foods, any more than she was of greasy food, but it was delectable when she kissed Jenny, revelling in the lingering sweetness. And the soft moan that her actions caused. She really was trying not to move too fast. They barely knew each other. It was a crush, surely, more suitable to teenagers rather than a mature woman._

_“Thought you’d already had breakfast.” Jenny grinned as she pulled away to look Vastra in the eye._

_“But what about second breakfast?” Vastra quipped back._

_Jenny laughed and distracted Vastra from thoughts of propriety by sucking gently at Vastra’s neck. If she left a hickey there, Vastra would have to break out her collection of scarves or else her colleagues really_ would _start talking. She liked Strax but he was far too much of a gossip and she’d already endured taunts about “the pizza delivery boy”._

_“I’ve got a headband.” Jenny whispered in her ear, the softness of the breath making Vastra shiver in Jenny’s embrace._

_A headband? Vastra puzzled for a moment and then had to control another shiver, this time of anticipation. “Hm. That would suffice.” Her breathing was already a little ragged and thoughts of slowing it down or possibly making a graceful exit and composing herself before work went out the window, were banished to the balcony. She tidied up a little as she waited for Jenny to find it, putting things in the sink and folding the clothes, in a vague attempt to calm herself down a little._

_It wasn’t a headband so much as a rainbow bandana, such as one could buy at a stall by a pride parade. Vastra almost laughed as Jenny thudded back downstairs and tied her hair back with it. It would do, she conceded, her hands travelling down to Jenny’s jeans and pulling them down with little ceremony. She was about to suggest moving upstairs once more but Jenny was already collapsing backwards onto the sofa. Perhaps she’d thought that Vastra had cleared up expediently. Well, maybe she had, unconsciously. Vastra shrugged, tugging down the batman boxers for Jenny to kick off and away as well. She remained kneeling however, running her hands down the back of Jenny’s calves. Her legs twitched when Vastra stroked the back of the knees and she brought her hands round to firmly stroke up the front of her thighs, her thumbs pressing gently against the inner. There was a gasp as she lifted a leg up and hooked it over her shoulder, turning her head to kiss lightly where her thumbs had been, travelling slowly, all the way up until her nose hit soft hair and her lips met Jenny’s. She felt the shudder, felt the leg tense on her shoulder, the bit back groan, which was so delightful to her ears. She kissed again, open mouthed and her tongue licked against Jenny’s clit, before moving down to lap up the wetness already gathered._

_There were expletives interlaced with the heavy moans now, as she moved her attention back to the small nub now protruding, giving her room to slowly move a finger inside. She felt a little proud at the gasp that was almost a scream, particularly when it repeated every time she thrust. She focused on her hand, looking up to see Jenny’s hands grasping at the sofa, pulling the material away from the cushions. She could see peaked nipples, through the t-shirt, Jenny hadn’t bothered putting a bra on. She crooked her finger and stroked Jenny’s clit with her thumb and watched as Jenny writhed, clutching at nothing as Vastra stilled, feeling the pulse of Jenny’s orgasm against her fingers. She waited until Jenny’s breathing had evened out and she’d opened her eyes before slowly removing it and slowly raising it to her mouth to lick it clean._

_Jenny swore at the sight and then laughed breathlessly. “So. What about elevenses?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and thus the title of Sexhobbit was created


	15. Elevenses

The comment that Jenny had hoped would inspire the continuation of their activities, merely resulted in Vastra standing up and walking over to the counter where she’d abandoned her phone whilst cooking breakfast. Surprised at the whiplash inducing change of pace, she stood up and wandered over to stand by Vastra.

“Somethin’ wrong?” Jenny asked, seeing the slight frown on Vastra’s face.

“I should go home and get ready for work.”

“S’not that late already is it?” Jenny leant over to see the clock on the lock screen.

“I’m covering a mid-shift again today I’m afraid.” Vastra smiled at the dismayed look on Jenny’s face.

“So much for leisurely breakfasts.” Jenny grumbled as she returned to her abandoned underwear.

Vastra slowly gathered up her own pile of clothes, hesitating as she was about to turn towards the door.

“What?” Jenny asked, as she realised Vastra was staring at her, her grouchiness disintegrating as she realised the woman looked…nervous? “What?” she repeated, in a softer tone voice.

“I realise this may seem a little forward to ask…” Vastra looked down at her shoes.

“Not sure there’s a lot left that’d be forward.” Jenny shrugged. “Once you’ve eaten someone out on their sofa, all becomes one, don’ it.”

Vastra’s head jerked back up and Jenny was strangely delighted to see a blush spread all the way to her ears. “Does it now?” Jenny was less delighted with the strange affronted expression on Vastra’s face.

“Nah, I just meant y’know…don’t worry about it, yeah? If you think somethin’s forward or whatever, don’t worry about it. Just ask.” Jenny tripped over her words in her haste to reassure.

Vastra stared at her for a moment, hugging her clothes to her chest. She seemed to Jenny to be practically vibrating with the acoustic energy of the question unasked.

“Stay at mine tonight?” the four words seemed to take all the breath from Vastra, which was unfortunate because she also appeared to not be breathing.

Jenny could relate because she felt like her lungs had forgotten about the steady ritual of inhaling and exhaling. She’d been expecting an invitation to a date, perhaps an offer of walking her home again, as it had ended so delightfully. The sight of apprehension draining the crimson from Vastra’s face startled Jenny into an answer. “Yeah! Yeah.” She felt a wide grin straining her face muscles and after an attempt to bring the grin back to acceptable levels, which rather hurt her jaw, she gave up. Besides, the small but happy smile on Vastra’s face was worth looking goofy for.

“So you’ll be walkin’ me home again tonight then?” Jenny wished she had her jeans on as well, because her hands were flapping slightly, trying to find something to do that wasn’t grabbing Left Beef Lady so she could kiss her again, and pockets would’ve been the perfect place to shove them until they were back under control.

The Lady in question helped by dropping her pile of clothes and taking Jenny’s hands in hers. “I imagine it would be a little difficult for you to find my place if I didn’t.” Vastra satisfied Jenny’s desire for a kiss, leaving Jenny nothing to do but give Vastra her best bear hug. “Hmm. Until tonight then?” Vastra stepped back, retrieved one of Jenny’s hands and pressed a kiss to her knuckles as Jenny nodded her affirmative. “Don’t forget to pack a bag.”

“Be needin’ clothes will I?” Jenny raised an eyebrow.

“Whatever you feel you will need.” Vastra tried for nonchalance.

Jenny raised a second eyebrow, and both of them working together resulted in the return of the flush, with the added bonus of flustering Vastra enough that she struggled to keep hold of her pile of clothes; one thing would slip out and when she had regained that, something else would slither onto the floor. Jenny solved the problem by wrapping everything up in Vastra’s coat and tying the sleeves together.

“There!” she said, handing it to Vastra, standing back to enjoy the vision of Left Beef Lady, dressed in her dungarees, still wearing a rainbow bandana and holding the bundle by the sleeves. “Beautiful.”

“I’ll see you at eleven then.” Vastra said, in a perfectly innocent voice and left, leaving Jenny with the happy realisation that there were technically two eleven o’clocks in a day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tune in next time for Vastra's flat


	16. Custom Made

Jenny found it increasingly hard to concentrate. She’d showered, had lunch, gone to work. The pizza boy had looked mildly terrified at her chirpiness and permanent grin, which she supposed, in contrast to her sitting on the floor uncommunicatively yesterday, must’ve been jarring. She was now clock-watching, stopping only when the timers on the ovens went off to remind her to take the pizzas out. Tuesdays were slower than Mondays, due to certain major pizza places having it as their special offer day.

Such was her distracted state that she only noticed as she was about to put a pizza in the oven, what a _strange_ combination it’d been. She slammed the door and grabbed the printed order down from the washing line and the grin, which had not yet faded, returned in all its brilliance. She suddenly realised as well that she’d had Left Beef Lady’s phone number for quite some time. Usually it was only of interest to the pizza delivery boy who would require it to inform people of imminent pizza. She took out her own rather battered phone and saved the number, under the name Left Beef Lady of course

She wandered up and down the kitchen, whilst the bizarre pizza cooked, tapping her phone against her lips, debating over and over whether to text Vastra. She could, she plotted, take the pizza over herself; that would give her an excuse to text and by default, give Vastra her own number. Settling on this as her course of action, she grabbed her coat and turned round to find the pizza delivery boy picking up the box.

“NO!” she bellowed, nearly causing him to drop the entire thing. “Uh…I’m taking that one.”

Baffled and by now shaking slightly in fear, he offered no resistance when she yanked the box from his hands and darted out the door. She almost forgot to send the text and had to type it out one handed as she was waiting for the road to clear.

Realising that she’d probably arrive before her text did, she cursed the delivery boy for foiling her plans. But he fell by the wayside when she was waylaid by the Chicken Legs bellhop before she could even reach the door.

“We’ve had a warning about pizza deliveries coming to the reception.” He scowled at her. “Management think it brings the tone of the place down.”

Jenny was too shocked to respond for a moment. “Yeah but…I got this pizza ain’t I.”

“Whoever ordered it will have to come down for it.” he shrugged his massive shoulders.

Jenny was tempted to call Vastra, having already sent the text but remembered Vastra mentioning the teasing she’d gotten, and the necessity for her to be professional at work. She turned round and tramped back down the steps.

“Wait boy!” came a bellow from behind her. She looked over her shoulder to find the bellhop bouncing down the stairs after her. “Is that for Madame Vastra?” he gave an outrageously ostentatious wink.

“Uh. Yeah. You call her Madame?”

The Leg-Press Deficient bellhop nodded. “Yes. Because she’s so haughty and lady-like.”

Jenny suppressed a snigger because _that_ did not sound like her Left Beef Lady at all.

“Shall I take it to her?” he raised his eyebrows and gave a knowing grin.

“Um. Yes. That…would be great? Tell her…uh…thanks for the…custom.” Jenny held out the pizza box, nervous in case the situation would cause even more problems for Vastra at work.

“I shall indeed tell her thanks for the significant pause custom.”

Jenny bit her lip as she watched him bound back up the steps, remarkably sprightly on his short legs. Oh well. She went to walk back to work, pausing at the bottom of the steps to get her phone out again and text a quick ‘sorry!’ with a few grimacing emojis and a sad one. The realisation that Vastra didn’t know it was her caused her to hit her phone against her forehead with an elongated “Argh!”

“You’ll break it, if you do that.”

She whipped back round to see Vastra walking down the steps towards her. It wasn’t fair, Jenny contemplated, her being on the stairs made her seem even taller. And she looked so cool and unflappable in a professional suit, so different from this morning. At least until she smiled.

“Uhh…did the bellhop…”

“He gave me your message, yes.”

Dread shot through Jenny. “What…what did he say exactly?”

“Thank you for the custom. I suppose it has become one, hasn’t it? Alas, now to be curtailed.”

“Well. S’not like we need it anymore.” Jenny shrugged.

“Really? But how else will I amuse you at work?” Vastra pouted.

“You’ve got my phone number now.”

“I can hardly text you whilst I’m at work too.”

“An’ I’ve got the memories, if work gets that boring.” Jenny had meant she still remembered all the bizarre orders but went red when Vastra raised her eyebrow. There were those memories too.

“Oh really.” Vastra stared at her. “Well then, to tide you over until the end of this shift at least.” She cupped Jenny’s chin and kissed her, right there on the pavement, resulting in a rather raucous cheer from the bellhop.


End file.
